I'm Smaller

[Note to my fam & closefriends: This poem is about outside love, i love you and i will always. You gave me love and i take that with me into my soul beyond the day i die]

I honestly don't even know where i landend
i used to be such a romantic mind, with big feelings and big dreams
with big goals and big deals if it comes to love

Maybe its what i have been throught, that i don't feel like i would ever be in love and she would love me back.
Maybe it is because almost every women i knew wasn't close enough and when they were they left me as a option. 
My oldest girlbestfriend destroyed the feeling of ever being friends with a girl ever again and the ones i met later proved i maybe wasn't that off.

Even tho i do have my hopes up that most females are not in hatred of my excistence like some have been in the past.

Hammering on my soul but the cracks won't show because most of it was already wrapped inside the armor i build of from the early lonely stages of my life.
Im happy that i have friends now, and i love my friends and connections.

But my childhood was pretty lonely, and i dont blame anyone or anything for that.

Love never really went throught my soul like it did to others yet, its hard to find, some poeple don't find it before they find death.
Maybe its because i never feel like a women would like me, would love me.
All my life i have felt like someone that isn't worth energy and love, what can i offer you to touch you're soul?
I have made some mistakes in the past, and the way i am i take those mistakes either to my grave or wave them away.
I sometimes go off and punish me to hard, while it's all alright humans make mistakes.
I have felt the last few years outside of love from a women.

I felt that i didn't deserve it and maybe thats true.

I Always run away from the ones i like the most because our bodies learn how to adapt to what happens in the past, and running for possible hate of being yourself in a world where a simple room isn't part of a simple life.

That feels better than running towards a oppurtunity to feel what it really means to be loved by someone that maybe even wants to share her life.

That running away is the thing that creates a automatic body and soul that doesn't seem to accept love because it feels like that mythical not yet unlocked piece of mystery is behind a door inside a room thats not even part of our Galaxy but floats somewhere far outside of it.

Even tho that body doesn't know that you can open that door without being there, love excist, its real and its powerfull.

Its unbeatable, undestructable. Its impossible to kill, and impossible to erase. Its more powerfull than death. It's worth more than all the money together in the past and future, you cannot buy it.

I feel smaller than the other males, wich is wierd because im pretty tall.

I would wish you more than i sometimes would wish myself. I would be more happy for you sometimes, than i would be for myself.
I would rather that the one i like, likes you than that she likes me, because i feel smaller.

I would be happier to see you with my love of my life because i would never deserve her.

last poem was about love this one is about heartbreak and what my heart thought was realism.
my heart thought it was best to turn into stone, a stone statue that carries my wisdom and lights a path for others to not make the same mistake, of turning your heart into stone.
Lighting a path because others deserve it more than me.

i have been walking a path of not allowing myself to even think about a deep connection with a women without feeling like i was overdreaming. Its not that i need it, but that doesn't mean i don't have to see it or feel it or be in it?

Love is like a cycle that turns around and around with possible hits possibly hitting me, but it Always misses.

I see other men sometimes and even imagine him with his girl better than i can imagine me. Whats likeable about me, alot of things but why does something in me keep telling that other part of me that there's nothing to offer to the ones outside of my body?

Maybe its because of all that i offered in the past wasnt respected or easy to replace.

Maybe its because i have been trying to water a pool that already had a connection to the sea.

Maybe its because im different than the rest and for love that ain't the way to move?
or maybe its because the universe thinks im not ready yet and my soulmate awaits in the same way as i wait for her.

or maybe,
I'm Smaller.